Sunday, July 14, 2013

A Hard Day's Night

So the Soctopus spent last night with her very best friend and her husband. The kind of friend that knows all of your bad sides and weaknesses and loves you anyways. The kind of friend that you can always, always show your true self. This friend has been in my life for 7 years, and we've made each other laugh, held each others' hands, and been there for each other through thick and thin.

Why am I telling you this? Because last night, for the first time, I sat and talked with someone who truly, deeply knows me. *Me.* The *me* I am when I am at my most private and raw. And she stayed up with me until 2:30 a.m. and listened when, for the first time, I broke down and cried. And then cried some more. And it felt like my heart cracked open and so much emotion and poison flooded out. My friend simply sat and listened, and asked questions from time to time. It was painful and purifying, and for the first time, I sat and thought about how *I* feel, and honestly talked out loud about how I feel, in the wake of everything that has happened in my life.

There is a feeling that comes when a person feels so broken, so deeply alone... That feeling is indescribable. It's big, and scary, and raw, and it makes you question everything you know about yourself. Somehow, that one person you feel safe with can help to let that feeling out. (Almost like lancing a boil. I'll have to let her know I compared her to a boil. She'll love that...) During our conversation, my friend kept at me, asking me over and over again, "no, but how do you feel?" And finally, finally, I felt safe enough to admit how I really feel about the changes that have happened. About the tough choices I've had to make. I admitted to her that I still feel guilt over calling the police, even though I know it was the right thing to do. I admitted that I hurt everyday over the loss of my friends and my social life. I admitted that, late at night, I think about Mr. Soctopus and have a dream.

In this dream, Mr. Soctopus and I sit and talk. We talk about our relationship, and what went wrong, and we both admit fault. At the end of this dream, Mr. Soctopus apologizes. Not for leaving me. There's no apology necessary for that. No, in this dream, Mr. Soctopus always apologizes for the hurts he's dealt me. He apologizes for threatening my life, and means it. He apologizes for threatening my friends, and isolating me, and slandering me in public. He simply looks me in the eye and tells me, "I'm sorry. I'm sorry I hurt you." And then I wake up.

So my friend asked me, "Well - what would you say to him if this happened?" And I was silent for several minutes, thinking and feeling. My answer? "I forgive you." That was the moment that the floodgates opened, and I started to cry. I'm crying right now, as I type this. Because my dream, my fondest wish would simply be to hear my husband apologize and let me know that he acknowledges the wrongs he has done. And I think the reason why I dream this dream, over and over again, is because it would mean the man I married is still somewhere inside of Mr. Soctopus. It would mean that he is not all bad, or evil. Because I want that man to fight his way back. I don't want to accept that this terrible person - this man I don't even recognize - is all that is left of the man I married. The man I loved. I want Mr. Soctopus to be happy. I wish him no ill will, even after everything that has been said and done. And I know, to the bottom of my heart, that Mr. Soctopus cannot be happy, cannot find peace until he lets go of this anger, this rage that seems to be driving him.

What brought all of this on? More of the same. More veiled threats to my friends, simply because they stood up for me, or refused to stop being my friend because he said so. More erratic behavior, which lead a friend to warn me to be careful, to watch my back. While I was in the North counties, enjoying the sunshine with my best friend, the 90-day deadline for the divorce came and went. So this misguided, needless fight continues, and we now roll towards trial. *sigh*

I wish for peace, both for my husband and myself. I wish for the end of this phase of my life, so that I can truly begin healing without the threat of violence or divorce over my head. I dream of the day that a male friend can take me to dinner without receiving threats from my ex. I truly believe healing begin, for both of us, once those papers are signed and filed. I wish for healing.

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